100 things not to do in twilight
by Hinotezeke
Summary: Yep the twilight version of what not to do at hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

100 things not to do in twilight

_100 things not to do in twilight_

**My version of the Hogwarts one**

1 I will not walk into the Cullen's house wearing garlic.

2 I will not walk into la push wearing wolf bane

3 Throwing holy water at Edward and screaming the power of Christ compels you isn't funny.

4 Neither is throwing rice or anything else at any one in the book is.

5 Asking Jacob if he's imprinted yet isn't funny.

6 Or is it funny to ask this every 5 minutes.

7 I shouldn't ask Leah what it's like to loose your boyfriend to your cousin is like.

8 I shouldn't ask Emily what it's like to steal your cousin's boyfriend.

9 I shouldn't ask Sam what it's like to be stolen

10 I shouldn't introduce Emmett to Hentia

11 Or yaoi

12 Or Yuri

13 I shouldn't encourage Emmett to become the super hero Hentai man and fight the evil FCC and other censoring companies.

14 I will not encourage Jasper to become Edward's sidekick: Yaoi boy

15 Nor will I encourage Alice to become Yuri girl.

16 I will not call Rosalie Hentai man's wife and mother of Yuri girl and yaoi boy, Lemon Women

17 Even if it rhymes.

18 Jacob isn't wolf boy and enemy to Hentai man

19 Trying to make a Cullen become Jewish is like trying to move a rhino with a hippo on his back.

20 Showing Edward yaoi fanficks with Jacob or any one else will make him mad.

21Same goes for Jacob

22 I'm not to throw things at the Volturi.

23 Especially Jane

24 Sending Aro love letters from Carlisle isn't allowed.

25 Even if he already might get them.

26 Sending letters to Jacob saying I've left Edward and will wait for you in London signed Bella, only worked once.

27 I will not name Jacob fluffy

28 Edward isn't Bat Man

29 Or Dracula

30 playing paintball with Emmett at school gets you suspended.

31 Carlils isn't Jesus

32 Even if he can run on water.

33 Nor is any Cullen

34 Cutting yourself in front of Jasper, no matter how emo you are, isn't smart.

35 telling Edward real men sparkle doesn't do anything because he does, but it annoys Jacob greatly.

36 The Cullens enjoy me dressing up as a vampire much more than Jacob enjoys me dressing up as a werewolf.

37 I won't give Jacob a flea color

38 or a doggy biscuit when he does something right

39 or a chew toy, etc.

40 Begging won't make Edward turn into a bat.

41 I won't give Edward a coffin

42 I won't give Edward depression meds.

43 I wont run around in front of Jasper with a union flag and say We won and You lost makes the room feel cold with sorrow.

44 I won't make money using Alice as a fortune teller.

45 I won't make money using Rosalie as a mechanic

46 Carlisle is a medical doctor not a dentist and doesn't want to see my cavity.

47 I will not break Esme's house and blame it on Emmett, even though it worked twice.

48 introducing Stephenie Meyer to the Cullens will makes her faint.

49 Same goes for her publisher

50 and all his fan girls

51 I won't call the people who work at the mental hospitals on Alice.

52 Even if she twitches

53 I won't say pretty pretty shiny shiny and stalk Edward around.

54 I won't tell Bella: "Do you enjoy making Jacob think he has a chance and then leave him to cry himself to sleep?"

55 I won't make the weekly Alice vs Edward in a chess match that is in side there minds doesn't get many ratings.

56 How ever Rosalie modeling does.

57 I will not force feed the Cullens human food and ask him what it taste like, even though I know the answer will always be dirt.

58 Asking Bella to Cliff dive brings up bad memories.

60 so do motorcycles.

61 there was no number 59, and that trick only works once on the Cullens

62 it works twice on the werewolves

63 No matter how much I beg, Jacob won't make La Push into a Casino

64 Apparently the Cullens won't buy Forks, with their endless money, and make it a casino either.

65 The Cullens aren't alive even if I try to prove it.

66 is 600 numbers away from an evil number, but doesn't make Carlisle flinch like I hoped.

67 Throwing crosses at any Cullen aren't funny.

68 or is it funny to surround the house with crosses and a magic circle while trying to seal the evil magic doesn't work

69 I will not introduce this number to Emmett.

70 I won't make the above number a t-shirt and give it to Emmett.

71 I won't tell the story of Carlisle's first computer: He threw rice at it and yelled the power of Christ compels you!

72 repeat: I won't right on things on the Cullen's skin.

73 I then will not push them into the sun were when the sparkle the words shine in yellow highlighter on whatever is in front of them.

74 I won't play paint ball in the house.

75 I won't call Jacob houndoom, even though I think he's a pokemon.

76 Edward, however, laughs when you call him a pokemon.

77 but only the first 5 times.

78 Bella laughs 10 times

79 I won't buy Emmett a monkey

80 I won't break Rosalie's car

81 I won't make Edward star on Jeopardy, even though he won.

82 Or Alice

83 or at the same time to see which one will win

84 I won't show Edward fanfiction

85 I won't show Jacob fanfiction

86 I won't buy Emmett a parrot and get him to become a pirate

87 I won't send 100 poodles to the Cullen's residence, saying Alice bought them

88 I won't start a war between the vampires and the werewolves

89 I won't call Jacob Sam's homeboy

90 I won't call Edward Carlisle's homeboy

91 I won't tell Edward Bella left him for Jacob

92 I won't tell mike the same thing.

93 I won't tell Jacob the opposite

94 I am not a vampire hunter, even if I have a crossbow.

95 I won't shoot my crossbow at the Cullens.

96 I won't try to kill the werewolves with silver.

97 Wooden steaks don't work on vampires

98 I won't use this as a checklist if I ever get sucked into twilight.

99 I won't try to get sucked into twilight, by begging Stephenie Meyer, it won't work.

100 I will not start a war between the Cullens and the Volturi, even though I know who will win.

101 I will never ask Edward if he has ever seen the 100 year old virgin.


	2. breaking dawn

Chapter 2, what not to do in Breaking Dawn

_2: 64 more things not to do in Breaking Dawn_

102 I will not poke Aro with a spoon

103 I will not poke Caius with a spoon

104 and Marcus

105 or Jane

106 same for Alec

107 Also Demetri, you know what? All the Volturi.

108 I will not ask Irina how's Laurent

109 I will not ask the Romanians what was it like when you lost to the Volturi

110 I will not ask the Volturi what it was like to know they might loose

111 And to none less than the Romanians.

112 I will not find Alistair before Charles and tell him the Volturi are hunting him and the only safe place for him is the bottom of the Pacific.

113 I will not ask Bella what it's like to have your ex-boyfriend fall in love with your daughter

114 I will not ask Edward what it's like to have your enemy and girlfriend/ fiancée's ex-boyfriend fall in love with your daughter.

115 100 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

116 I shall not take Edward to the Breaking Dawn Midnight party.

117 Or the Midnight Sun one.

118 Edward: there were so many fangirls, so many fangirls!

119 I will not take Robert Pattinson to the midnight parties.

120Robert: so many angry fangirls!

121 I will not build a doghouse for Jacob next to Edward and Bella's cottage

122 I will not poor out Bella's blood cup on Jacob just to see all the Cullens attack him

123 Even if he does live through it.

124 Jacob isn't wolverine

125 Benjamin isn't storm

126 Edward isn't Jean Gray

127 Aro isn't Professor X

128 vampires aren't the x men

129 nor are the werewolves, or _shape shifters_

130 I will not tell J. Jenks horrible stories of Jasper.

131 I will not askJacob what it's like to loose all your friends and family to a girl who still rejects you (before he imprints)

132 Jacob is Alice's Advil (during the pregnancy)

133 I shall not introduce Stephenie Meyer to anyone in twilight

134 I will not cut Rosalie's hair, it doesn't grow back

135 I won't buy Emmett a Parrot

136 He'll think he's a pirate

137 And buy a ship to attack forks with…

138 99 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

139 during Bella's pregnancy I will not tell Edward he's a monster and ask him how he could hurt/ kill Bella.

140 He cried for 14 hours

142 I will not ask Jane what it's like to know that your power is now useless, because of Bel… AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

143 I will not ask Alec what it's like to know that your power is now useless, because of Bel… falls unconscious to floor

144 I will not convince Emmett to try out for football

145 I will not tell Jessica that Bella was making out with Mike

146 I will not tell Bella that Edward hates her and left her for Tanya

147 I will not put a virus in Edward's computer when he's researching half vampire babies.

148 98 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

149 I will not tell Jacob to sit, lay down or roll over, he bit me…

150 He did for Renesmee though...

151 I will not ask Edward if he is Emo

152 or Jasper

153 even if it's true

154 I will not burn down Alice's Closet with all her clothe… Alice: THERE YOU ARE! Me: OH NO SHE FOUND M… AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

155 Hairless Rosalie: I FOUND YOU! Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

156 Jane: Can I beat him up next?

157 Alec: Then me!

158 Aro, Marcus, Caius: Then us, He poked us with spoons!

159 Jasper: He called me Emo!

160 Emmett: I like him he gave me a parrot!

161 Jacob: He said I was wolverine!

162 Edward: He told me I was a monster, emo, and then locked me in a room with fangirls!

163 Bella: He told me Edward left me!

164 Mike: He told Jessica I was making out with Bella forcing me to 6 hours of tortures labor!

165 Everyone: No one cares about you Mike!

166 The Author is decapitated right now and unable to continue the list for now, but his last words were "there was no 141, and laughs to all who fell for it again."

167 Everyone who fell for it twice just now finished him off.


	3. more

3:The Host+ more Breaking Dawn

_3:The Host+ more Breaking Dawn_

168 I will not dye the Volturi's hair.

169 I will not ask Edward if he has seen the ending to 100 year old virgin

170 I will not also ask this of Bella

171 I will not point out to Emmett that he lost an arm wrestle to Bella so he can't comment on her, however he didn't make a deal with Edward.

172 Benjamin isn't the Avatar the last Airbender

173 I will not make vampire animals…

174 or get Aro to.

175 What on earth will Jacob and Nessie's kid look like?

176 Snickers Edward as a grampa

177 Snickers Carlisle as a great grampa

178 Cries in terror Uncle Emmett

**The Host**

178 I shall not lock Melanie and Kyle in the same room.

179 I will not lock Ian, Melanie and Jared in the same room with one weapon.

180 I will not call Wanda 'Rides The Beast'

181 I will not turn on sirens in the caves

182 I will not bug Lily it's to cruel

183 I will not shoot the seeker, or her host.

184 I will not ask Stephenie Meyer why she is making the host a trilogy, it doesn't make since. Also will this delay Midnight Sun? twitch (yes I already know it has been delayed while Stephenie cools of from the script leak.)

185 I shall not lock Summer and Wanda in a room

186 Or summer with anyone else, no one deserves that.

**Sorry that's all…**

**I'm running out of ideas for twilight, and the host is basically: I will not be human so yeah…**


	4. Movie

**Movie, etc.**

189 I am not to suggest to aro that vampire alligators would make a nice addition to a moat.

190 Vampire guard dogs aren't a good suggestion either.

191 the were wolves in breaking dawn better have fur unlike some other movies…

192 *cough* harry potter 3 *cough*

193 go to stephenie's breaking dawn page on her website and you can see that aro killed his sister, on purpose

194 he's jack ass

195 I will not send love mail to Carlisle signed Aro.

196 Harry Potter and Cho: hugs Edward "Cedrick you're alive!"

197 Bella: …

198 I will not call Jacob lupin

199 or remis.

200 Jacob isn't an Animorph

201 I shall not introduce the cast to the book characters.

202 Movie Edward sparkles look like hair…

203 I will not get the book characters to watch the movie.

204 in the theater I will not scream "Go Jane!"

205 or "Die Edward"

206 and "GO Jacob"

207 you will die if you do

208 victoria is awesomely evil.

210 Puberty for Nessi will suck

211 imagine all those years of torture in that speed

212 she'll cycle every week…

213 I will not tell Aro's wife that he is probably making a child with his secretary out of curiosity.

215 Werepires are awesome and I want one of Jacob and Nessies kids.

216 I will not give a kid to Aro.

217 I will not sell blood icecream.

218 I will not imagine what Emmett would be like with coffee…

219 Renesme can have coffe though…

220 one hyper vampire child later

221 "My house!" esme

222 "you will die!"

223 "why do I always get hurt!" me

224 there was no 214…

**I will welcome any ideas or suggestions**


	5. for connivence i put them all in one

_100 things not to do in twilight_

**My version of the Hogwarts one**

1 I will not walk into the Cullen's house wearing garlic.

2 I will not walk into la push wearing wolf bane

3 Throwing holy water at Edward and screaming the power of Christ compels you isn't funny.

4 Neither is throwing rice or anything else at any one in the book is.

5 Asking Jacob if he's imprinted yet isn't funny.

6 Or is it funny to ask this every 5 minutes.

7 I shouldn't ask Leah what it's like to loose your boyfriend to your cousin is like.

8 I shouldn't ask Emily what it's like to steal your cousin's boyfriend.

9 I shouldn't ask Sam what it's like to be stolen

10 I shouldn't introduce Emmett to Hentia

11 Or yaoi

12 Or Yuri

13 I shouldn't encourage Emmett to become the super hero Hentai man and fight the evil FCC and other censoring companies.

14 I will not encourage Jasper to become Edward's sidekick: Yaoi boy

15 Nor will I encourage Alice to become Yuri girl.

16 I will not call Rosalie Hentai man's wife and mother of Yuri girl and yaoi boy, Lemon Women

17 Even if it rhymes.

18 Jacob isn't wolf boy and enemy to Hentai man

19 Trying to make a Cullen become Jewish is like trying to move a rhino with a hippo on his back.

20 Showing Edward yaoi fanficks with Jacob or any one else will make him mad.

21Same goes for Jacob

22 I'm not to throw things at the Volturi.

23 Especially Jane

24 Sending Aro love letters from Carlisle isn't allowed.

25 Even if he already might get them.

26 Sending letters to Jacob saying I've left Edward and will wait for you in London signed Bella, only worked once.

27 I will not name Jacob fluffy

28 Edward isn't Bat Man

29 Or Dracula

30 playing paintball with Emmett at school gets you suspended.

31 Carlils isn't Jesus

32 Even if he can run on water.

33 Nor is any Cullen

34 Cutting yourself in front of Jasper, no matter how emo you are, isn't smart.

35 telling Edward real men sparkle doesn't do anything because he does, but it annoys Jacob greatly.

36 The Cullens enjoy me dressing up as a vampire much more than Jacob enjoys me dressing up as a werewolf.

37 I won't give Jacob a flea color

38 or a doggy biscuit when he does something right

39 or a chew toy, etc.

40 Begging won't make Edward turn into a bat.

41 I won't give Edward a coffin

42 I won't give Edward depression meds.

43 I wont run around in front of Jasper with a union flag and say We won and You lost makes the room feel cold with sorrow.

44 I won't make money using Alice as a fortune teller.

45 I won't make money using Rosalie as a mechanic

46 Carlisle is a medical doctor not a dentist and doesn't want to see my cavity.

47 I will not break Esme's house and blame it on Emmett, even though it worked twice.

48 introducing Stephenie Meyer to the Cullens will makes her faint.

49 Same goes for her publisher

50 and all his fan girls

51 I won't call the people who work at the mental hospitals on Alice.

52 Even if she twitches

53 I won't say pretty pretty shiny shiny and stalk Edward around.

54 I won't tell Bella: "Do you enjoy making Jacob think he has a chance and then leave him to cry himself to sleep?"

55 I won't make the weekly Alice vs Edward in a chess match that is in side there minds doesn't get many ratings.

56 How ever Rosalie modeling does.

57 I will not force feed the Cullens human food and ask him what it taste like, even though I know the answer will always be dirt.

58 Asking Bella to Cliff dive brings up bad memories.

60 so do motorcycles.

61 there was no number 59, and that trick only works once on the Cullens

62 it works twice on the werewolves

63 No matter how much I beg, Jacob won't make La Push into a Casino

64 Apparently the Cullens won't buy Forks, with their endless money, and make it a casino either.

65 The Cullens aren't alive even if I try to prove it.

66 is 600 numbers away from an evil number, but doesn't make Carlisle flinch like I hoped.

67 Throwing crosses at any Cullen aren't funny.

68 or is it funny to surround the house with crosses and a magic circle while trying to seal the evil magic doesn't work

69 I will not introduce this number to Emmett.

70 I won't make the above number a t-shirt and give it to Emmett.

71 I won't tell the story of Carlisle's first computer: He threw rice at it and yelled the power of Christ compels you!

72 repeat: I won't right on things on the Cullen's skin.

73 I then will not push them into the sun were when the sparkle the words shine in yellow highlighter on whatever is in front of them.

74 I won't play paint ball in the house.

75 I won't call Jacob houndoom, even though I think he's a pokemon.

76 Edward, however, laughs when you call him a pokemon.

77 but only the first 5 times.

78 Bella laughs 10 times

79 I won't buy Emmett a monkey

80 I won't break Rosalie's car

81 I won't make Edward star on Jeopardy, even though he won.

82 Or Alice

83 or at the same time to see which one will win

84 I won't show Edward fanfiction

85 I won't show Jacob fanfiction

86 I won't buy Emmett a parrot and get him to become a pirate

87 I won't send 100 poodles to the Cullen's residence, saying Alice bought them

88 I won't start a war between the vampires and the werewolves

89 I won't call Jacob Sam's homeboy

90 I won't call Edward Carlisle's homeboy

91 I won't tell Edward Bella left him for Jacob

92 I won't tell mike the same thing.

93 I won't tell Jacob the opposite

94 I am not a vampire hunter, even if I have a crossbow.

95 I won't shoot my crossbow at the Cullens.

_2: 64 more things not to do in Breaking Dawn_

102 I will not poke Aro with a spoon

103 I will not poke Caius with a spoon

104 and Marcus

105 or Jane

106 same for Alec

107 Also Demetri, you know what? All the Volturi.

108 I will not ask Irina how's Laurent

109 I will not ask the Romanians what was it like when you lost to the Volturi

110 I will not ask the Volturi what it was like to know they might loose

111 And to none less than the Romanians.

112 I will not find Alistair before Charles and tell him the Volturi are hunting him and the only safe place for him is the bottom of the Pacific.

113 I will not ask Bella what it's like to have your ex-boyfriend fall in love with your daughter

114 I will not ask Edward what it's like to have your enemy and girlfriend/ fiancée's ex-boyfriend fall in love with your daughter.

115 100 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

116 I shall not take Edward to the Breaking Dawn Midnight party.

117 Or the Midnight Sun one.

118 Edward: there were so many fangirls, so many fangirls!

119 I will not take Robert Pattinson to the midnight parties.

120Robert: so many angry fangirls!

121 I will not build a doghouse for Jacob next to Edward and Bella's cottage

122 I will not poor out Bella's blood cup on Jacob just to see all the Cullens attack him

123 Even if he does live through it.

124 Jacob isn't wolverine

125 Benjamin isn't storm

126 Edward isn't Jean Gray

127 Aro isn't Professor X

128 vampires aren't the x men

129 nor are the werewolves, or _shape shifters_

130 I will not tell J. Jenks horrible stories of Jasper.

131 I will not askJacob what it's like to loose all your friends and family to a girl who still rejects you (before he imprints)

132 Jacob is Alice's Advil (during the pregnancy)

133 I shall not introduce Stephenie Meyer to anyone in twilight

134 I will not cut Rosalie's hair, it doesn't grow back

135 I won't buy Emmett a Parrot

136 He'll think he's a pirate

137 And buy a ship to attack forks with…

138 99 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

139 during Bella's pregnancy I will not tell Edward he's a monster and ask him how he could hurt/ kill Bella.

140 He cried for 14 hours

142 I will not ask Jane what it's like to know that your power is now useless, because of Bel… AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

143 I will not ask Alec what it's like to know that your power is now useless, because of Bel… *****falls unconscious to floor*****

144 I will not convince Emmett to try out for football

145 I will not tell Jessica that Bella was making out with Mike

146 I will not tell Bella that Edward hates her and left her for Tanya

147 I will not put a virus in Edward's computer when he's researching half vampire babies.

148 98 bottles of blood on the wall take one down pass it around…

149 I will not tell Jacob to sit, lay down or roll over, he bit me…

150 He did for Renesmee though...

151 I will not ask Edward if he is Emo

152 or Jasper

153 even if it's true

154 I will not burn down Alice's Closet with all her clothe… Alice: THERE YOU ARE! Me: OH NO SHE FOUND M… AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

155 Hairless Rosalie: I FOUND YOU! Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

156 Jane: Can I beat him up next?

157 Alec: Then me!

158 Aro, Marcus, Caius: Then us, He poked us with spoons!

159 Jasper: He called me Emo!

160 Emmett: I like him he gave me a parrot!

161 Jacob: He said I was wolverine!

162 Edward: He told me I was a monster, emo, and then locked me in a room with fangirls!

163 Bella: He told me Edward left me!

164 Mike: He told Jessica I was making out with Bella forcing me to 6 hours of tortures labor!

165 Everyone: No one cares about you Mike!

166 The Author is decapitated right now and unable to continue the list for now, but his last words were "there was no 141, and laughs to all who fell for it again."

167 Everyone who fell for it twice just now finished him off.

_3:The Host+ more Breaking Dawn_

168 I will not dye the Volturi's hair.

169 I will not ask Edward if he has seen the ending to 100 year old virgin

170 I will not also ask this of Bella

171 I will not point out to Emmett that he lost an arm wrestle to Bella so he can't comment on her, however he didn't make a deal with Edward.

172 Benjamin isn't the Avatar the last Airbender

173 I will not make vampire animals…

174 or get Aro to.

175 What on earth will Jacob and Nessie's kid look like?

176 *Snickers* Edward as a grampa

177 *Snickers* Carlisle as a great grampa

178 *Cries in terror* Uncle Emmett

**The Host**

178 I shall not lock Melanie and Kyle in the same room.

179 I will not lock Ian, Melanie and Jared in the same room with one weapon.

180 I will not call Wanda 'Rides The Beast'

181 I will not turn on sirens in the caves

182 I will not bug Lily it's to cruel

183 I will not shoot the seeker, or her host.

184 I will not ask Stephenie Meyer why she is making the host a trilogy, it doesn't make since. Also will this delay Midnight Sun? *twitch* (yes I already know it has been delayed while Stephenie cools of from the script leak.)

185 I shall not lock Summer and Wanda in a room

186 Or summer with anyone else, no one deserves that.

**Movie, etc.**

189 I am not to suggest to aro that vampire alligators would make a nice addition to a moat.

190 Vampire guard dogs aren't a good suggestion either.

191 the were wolves in breaking dawn better have fur unlike some other movies…

192 *cough* harry potter 3 *cough*

193 go to stephenie's breaking dawn page on her website and you can see that aro killed his sister, on purpose

194 he's jack ass

195 I will not send love mail to Carlisle signed Aro.

196 Harry Potter and Cho: hugs Edward "Cedrick you're alive!"

197 Bella: …

198 I will not call Jacob lupin

199 or remis.

200 Jacob isn't an Animorph

201 I shall not introduce the cast to the book characters.

202 Movie Edward sparkles look like hair…

203 I will not get the book characters to watch the movie.

204 in the theater I will not scream "Go Jane!"

205 or "Die Edward"

206 and "GO Jacob"

207 you will die if you do

208 victoria is awesomely evil.

210 Puberty for Nessi will suck

211 imagine all those years of torture in that speed

212 she'll cycle every week…

213 I will not tell Aro's wife that he is probably making a child with his secretary out of curiosity.

215 Werepires are awesome and I want one of Jacob and Nessies kids.

216 I will not give a kid to Aro.

217 I will not sell blood icecream.

218 I will not imagine what Emmett would be like with coffee…

219 Renesme can have coffe though…

220 one hyper vampire child later

221 "My house!" esme

222 "you will die!"

223 "why do I always get hurt!" me

224 there was no 214…


End file.
